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why people “fight”

When I don’t fulfill my rules for discipline I feel terrible.


I’m trying to figure out what my values are. And from what I can tell, the best way to find out what your true values is to recognize what gets on your nerves.


What bothers you.
What upsets you.
What angers you.


When this happens, it means someone has violated your values.  More on this idea later..


Second idea…


The reason why people “fight” in relationships is because of control. Someone is losing control ..someone is trying to control other.  Expectation is control in a way.


I expect my son to his homework. I’m controlling him. I’m teaching him of course, but when he doesn’t want to … it’s probably because it’s difficult. He wants to have control over deciding what to do with difficult things.


Difficult things cause “pain” and “discomfort.” The reason why a person will do those things is because there is something of higher value on the other side of that pain and discomfort.


Maybe for Ender, my son, that push of doing a difficult homework assignment is parent’s approval (to be liked and accepted for a good job). Ideally, it would be the work itself.


However, that’s rarely the case. He’s 9.  He’s still learning his values.. as parents, that’s what we teach.  We teach through example.


In the case of exercise.. push through that workout pain is a bigger value like personal health and well being. Getting stronger. The feeling of alive-ness when you lift something heavy that could hurt you.  I think that would be a form of thrill seeking.


There’s a value there somewhere.


See if you can figure it out.


More on this tomorrow.